Ace Wilder

Ace wilder was my second baby, my second pregnancy. And more than likely, my last. I still remember the day I found out I was pregnant with her, to the day we checked into the hospital to have my scheduled c-section delivery. I had the worse anxiety during this second pregnancy of mine. The ever familiar large florescent light in the OR room looming overhead, unavoidable--It's just there glowing brightly and painfully the soft ticking and buzzing of the machines all around me. It always gave me a sense of panic and fear. I hear the doctor chuckling under his face mask, putting on his gloves all while he was having a casual conversation with the anesthesiologist --possibly about sports? Kids?Thanksgiving? ...Thanksgiving after all was tomorrow. And by that time tommorrow, I would have my baby in my arms. Recovering. My mind was in a whirlwind of thoughts and although I couldn't feel anything, I definitely felt my emotions coming through. No anesthesia can numb out the emotions of an expecting mother, especially one who is about to give birth right then and there. I still didn't know how I would react to Ace. I spent my entire life of motherhood loving Gunther so deeply I was afraid I wouldn't have enough love to give my new daughter. Silly thoughts swirled around my head as I got woozy. I remember looking up while blinking really slow and thinking "WHY AM I BLINKING SO SLOW?!" I look up and see my husband covered in all white. He blended in with the brightness of the florescent light and I had to look away. I felt his warm hand squeeze my limp grip. I so badly wanted to squeeze his hand right back but I couldn't. It was so hard to breath and I wanted to cry, but couldn't. The whirring of the machine got quieter and grew distant broken by by the shrill cries of my new baby. My new purple beautiful loud and strong baby girl. She was so loud! I instantly woke up from my day dream, I woke up from whatever it was that was keeping me from being alert, awake, aware. I wanted to see that baby more than anything. The love was there even before I was able to see her. It was there all along. I cried. Not because of the pain from feeling so breathless but because I felt as though I waited all my life for this girl. My husband clipped the umbilical cord and they swaddled her and took her over to me. There she was, angry and beautiful and loud and left me breathless. Words cannot fathom how I felt that very moment.

She was finally here. My dream girl. Both father and daughter and nurses walked out of the OR to get the baby cleaned and ready. I so wanted to jump of off stainless steel table and follow them but I couldn't. I woke up in a room with warm colors. I couldn't remember being taken there or even falling asleep but I felt grateful for the rest I got. A knock thudded softly on the old wooden door and opened slowly, my husband walked in and a nurse close behind him pushing a clear baby crate (not sure what those things are called) with Ace swaddled so snuggly as her beautiful tiny face peeked so perfectly from behind her muslin and hand knit hospital beanie. There she was, my dream girl. Born on nov 25, 2015 in San Dimas California.

-Mama Cassey Zayas @eyeamsun